LOGISTICS. LEGISLATION. LUNACY.

Everyone Doubted it, but Trump is Actually Making America Great Again

in Donald Trump/Election/Op-Ed by

 

  • Everyone knows who their state and federal representatives are without having to google.
  • Millions of Americans are exercising more. They’re holding signs and marching every week.
  • Alec Baldwin is great again. Everyone has forgotten that he is kind of a jerk.

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  • The Postal Service is enjoying the influx cash due to stamps purchased by millions of people for letter and postcard campaigns.
  • Likewise, the pharmaceutical industry is enjoying record growth in sales of antidepressants.
  • Millions of Americans now know how to call their elected officials and know exactly what to say to be effective.
  • Footage of town hall meetings is now entertaining.

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  • Tens of millions of people are now correctly spelling words like emoluments, narcissist, fascist, misogynist, holocaust and cognitive dissonance.
  • Everyone knows more about the rise of Hitler than they did last year.
  • Everyone knows more about legislation, branches of power and how checks and balances work.
  • Marginalized groups are experiencing a surge in white allies.

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  • White people in record numbers also finally understand that Obamacare IS the Affordable Care Act.
  • Stephen Colbert’s “Late Night” finally gained the elusive #1 spot in late night talk shows, and Seth Meyers is finding his footing as today’s Jon Stewart.
  • “Mike Pence” has donated millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood since Nov. 9th.

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  • Melissa FREAKING McCarthy.
  • Travel ban protesters put $24 million into ACLU coffers in just 48 hours, enabling them to hire 200 more attorneys. Lawyers are now heroes.
  • As people seek veracity in their news sources, respected news outlets are happily reporting a substantial increase in subscriptions, a boon to a struggling industry vital to our democracy.
  • Live streaming court cases and congressional sessions are now as popular as the Kardashians.

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  • Massive cleanup of Facebook friend lists.
  • People are reading classic literature again. Sales of George Orwell’s “1984” increased by 10,000% after the inauguration. (Yes, that is true. 10,000%. 9th grade literature teachers all over the country are now rock stars.)
  • More than ever before, Americans are aware that education is important. Like, super important.
  • Now, more than anytime in history, everyone believes that anyone can be President. Seriously, anyone.

All bullet items were quoted/sourced from multiple Facebook profiles.


Also published on Medium.

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